Short Stories by an Old-Fashioned Millennial

The publishing company said I needed a back cover introduction to this catastrophe. They said to use my Instagram bio. I don’t use Instagram! What part of “old-fashioned” don’t they understand? Here goes nothing. Hello there. If you’re anything like me—besides being delightfully dapper, cunningly creative, and stunningly sarcastic—you won’t buy a book without reading the back cover. Don’t. Sure, it might be entertaining at first, but by the final chapter, you’ll wish you had spent your time being beaten by a sack of rabid raccoons. It’s boring, it’s odd, and it’s grossly underpriced (the retail price was another one of the publisher’s recommendations). Don’t buy it for the wisdom you’ll revive. That can be found in any fortune cookie. The entertainment value is inferior to C-Span and even Jimmy Kimmel. That’s saying something. If you’re seeking a scandalous love story, you’re barking up the wrong tree. You also won’t find suspense between these covers. You’ll have to engage every ounce of your patience to just finish the introduction. Go ahead. I double-dog dare you.